Finding Balance

Whoa it’s been a few months since my last post. I launched a small business, in the mean time, Process Art Kids, which has kept me pretty busy. So it’s the perfect time to talk about something on my mind: balance.

Do you ever feel like you’re sailing along and then all-of-the-sudden you hit a slump? There’s no apparent rhyme or reason to it but suddenly your positive outlook shifts and you feel drained or maybe even close to burnt out?

I love what the authors of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards have to say about balance as related to parenting:

How do you recognize when you’re going south as a parent when you thought you were going north? When you’re always tired and not enjoying parenting, things are out of balance. The hurried parent is one who is often, although not always misdirected..take some of the pressure off yourself by doing a little bit less. Yes, sometimes less is more!

I love this idea of less is more. I love it because it’s the minimalist philosophy I followed when uncluttering our home, and yet it applies to everyday life and our schedules as well. Another great book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, also deals with this idea. Decide for yourself what is essential in your life and then try omitting everything else. The mere act of sitting down to define what’s important to you will reveal a lot. It’s like minimalism for our lives- keep only what you love, omit the rest. I find this resonates even more as I get older. But I often have to revisit this idea to be sure I’m tuned in to what is essential to me. It can change over time, as our lives change.

It’s funny to take a look at how you want to spend your time and how you actually are spending your time. It can be startling to see the disconnect. Another great book on the topic is The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck. I’m kind of a pleaser by nature. So, when you realize that saying yes to something really means you’re saying no to something else, you begin to evaluate your yeses more deeply and, in turn, feel less guilty about saying no. For example, saying yes to an activity, no matter how fun, can mean saying no to downtime or unstructured play-time for my kids.

So, when I discover that I’m going south instead of north I like to take a step back and assess what’s going on in my life. It gets me thinking about balance and finding it again when things feel out of sorts. Sometimes I realize that the things that make me feel centered have slowly fallen by the wayside. Maybe we’ve even begun to overschedule ourselves again. It may be time to take a cold hard look at our calendar and decide what’s essential and non-negotiable to me and then omit the rest. How much is enough? How much is too much?

Getting off track can happen easily. I get sick and then I can’t go to yoga. A holiday derails my clean eating and it’s hard to nix the sugar fixes and get back on track. I’ve been so busy getting my new business off the ground that my usual playdates and homegirl time (which keep me sane) have fallen by the wayside and I’m left yearning for that human/mom-connection. Maybe my husband has hit a busy spot at work and we begin to feel like too exhausted ships passing in the night, signaling that it’s time to stop and reconnect.

Maybe time for self-care has fallen by the wayside too. I’m like a year overdue for both the OBGYN and the dentist. A Mom’s needs always seem to come in last, ever noticed that? When I do have free time, let’s be honest, the last thing I want to do is spend it going to the dentist or OBGYN!

It’s times like this, when the balance feels so far off, that it’s going to take more than a fabulous bubble bath and a glass of champagne to get things back on track and humming along again. It’s a highly appealing thought though isn’t it?

It seems like I hear a lot about this idea of finding balance these days, especially as related to moms. Google it and 320,000,000 results will come up. That’s a lot! Maybe it’s a sign that in our fast-passed, immediate, everything now, now, now, social media- crazed world it’s hard to get off the hamster wheel of life and take a more “Slow Food” approach to it all. But also, if we get real about it, maybe I’m buying into that idea, or myth as some might say, that “I can do it all.”  Maybe I am my problem and my solution.

Did you know that in Sweden they actually have a word for this balance stuff? Lagom. Which translates roughly to: not too little and not too much, just right. It’s like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears only for life. Maybe it’s why Sweden is one of the happiest countries in the world, with a healthy work-life balance. The concept encourages a balance across our lives- The idea being that there should be balance and moderation to everything we do. American’s are pretty terrible at that concept. Hello 60+ hour work weeks and superfoods you can take in pill form in lieu of just eating healthy. Lagom has become the poster-phrase for living a balanced life. It’s this beautiful idea that we all want to understand like, why French women don’t get fat?

Balance can also be shaken in a time of extreme change and uncertainty or when forks in the road arise. Since moving to the Woodlands I’ve slowly pulled myself out of the dark hole of our former flood life. By flood I mean Hurricane Harvey. When our gorgeous, newly remodeled home was washed away overnight along with our dreams for our future, and our financial stability.

By newly remodeled I mean that for a year I planned every design-related detail from layout to door nobs, lighting, tile and all the finish out details. If you know me, then you know that if I commit to doing something I don’t do it in a small way. I’m too perfectionist for that, especially when I have a creative vision about something. After spending a year to finalize the design we spent another year living in a rental while the work was completed. Then for nine glorious months we lived in our dream home, completely custom-designed by me and brought to fruition by our amazing contractor, Sneller Custom Homes and Remodeling, to fit our taste and needs. Then…. we flooded. All that work, all that money, gone just like that! It was heart breaking on so many levels.

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“Life is a balance of holding on, letting go, and knowing when to do which of the two” ~Rumi

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When our home in West Houston flooded in August of 2017 we were completely displaced for a year and uncertain about the future, all while welcoming a new baby (Scarlett due in February 2018) into our lives and also caring for our then 15-month-old son, Liam. It was a time in our lives which I like to refer to as “The Dark Ages.”

Moving to the Woodlands I felt life coming back into me and it felt like a creative awakening, like my Renaissance. I hit the ground running and began pursing things I’d always wanted to. I joined a mom’s group right off the bat. I began hosting process art playdates, entertaining friends with Moms night out ideas, like a Valentine’s Day crafternoon, or family get togethers like wine tasting potlucks. I made some fabulous mom friends and began doing park playdates with them. I started participating in Free Forest School, Hike it Baby and Tinkergarten all of which are amazing outdoor experiences for kids. I even started a small business providing Process Art experiences to kids, Process Art Kids. I started a mom’s book club and then this blog, in order to satisfy my compulsion to write, and it was all so fulfilling and UNBELIVEABLLY GREAT.

However, it slowly started to feel like doing all this was amazing but doing it all at once felt CRAZY. I bit off more than I could chew at once and then started trying to talk with my mouth full on top of that. Where was our unstructured free play time? Where was the time for my self-care? I got caught up in the momentum and excitement of it all, of life happening and unfolding in ways that I never could have imagined a year prior. Problem was I began to feel mowed over and seriously over-scheduled. I loved everything I was doing but I started to feel drained. Balance felt non-existent. Maybe as women or as moms we can do it all all- just maybe not all at once or not at full steam ahead like we might want to. I think that whether you’re stay-at-home or work-outside- the-home, balance can oftentimes feel elusive. Maybe we even feel guilty about taking the time we need to take care of our needs first instead of last.

Balance goes hand in hand with overscheduling. So, despite the fact that I loved everything I was doing I began dialing it back a little bit for the sake of family sanity and my own. We stopped trying to make all of my mom’s group meet ups on a weekly basis, and settled instead on a few events a month. But sometimes even that didn’t happen.

I did feel like I was letting these particular communities down. I hated feeling like they thought my interest in their ethos had waned but I realized that I couldn’t please everyone. I also couldn’t start a business and maintain a highly active level of participation in their groups as well. That was my cold, hard reality. That in pursuing my own dreams my free time to support other people or groups in the pursuit of theirs waned a bit.  Something had to give. While this hopefully won’t always be the case. As I get things off the ground it simply is what it is for now.

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What I’m doing and growing with my small business, Process Art Kids brings so much joy to my life and fulfillment. So, it’s a priority for me, like my family is. It’s also become my special time with Liam and it all still feels like one big art playdate. While I’m not solving world hunger or affecting world peace I do feel that, in some way, I’m making a difference in the community by providing these desperately needed messy open-ended play experiences, with art, in an outdoor environment. Kids don’t get to do enough of this kind of stuff in my opinion. Most activities these days are so structured and not at all child-directed.

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But, it’s also A LOT of work, this entrepreneurism. More than I anticipated since I do everything. IT trouble shooting, financial analysis, planning events, shopping supplies, promoting it all to grow enrollment, as well as facilitating each event itself including setup and cleanup.

It’s a crazy time right now, as I launch this venture and care for two young kids ages 3 and 14 months. I can’t grow it as fast as I want to- such as by offering birthday parties, private events, week-long summer camps, etc. or immediately open that brick and mortar indoor/outdoor studio tomorrow. Right now, I do a few events a month out of my backyard. That may not seem like much but given all the other hats I wear it’s actually a lot.

But going by the Lean In philosophy, we need more ways for moms to ebb and flow in the workforce. To cut back on hours as needed and then at other times ramp up. I can’t do it all today. But that doesn’t mean I can’t reach my ultimate goals some day when it better aligns with my family desires and the stage we are in.

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Another thing I like to ask myself in times of overwhelm is “will this activity/social commitment energize me and inspire me or will it leave me feeling drained?” I learned a long time ago to omit those things and people in my life that are draining and seek out those that energize me. But it’s always a good idea to check in and see where I am on this. Another great tip I picked up from the book, Designing Your Life. Yes, I read a tremendous number of personal growth books! The book actually had some valuable self-awareness tests to get you to realize which activities during your average day are draining and which are energizing. For example, if you are an introvert, social occasions or work parties where you need to be “on” can be draining. That’s good to know so you can plan in downtime afterwards to recharge your batteries.

But what does true balance mean anyway in terms of life? It’s a relative term for sure. Balance is different for everyone. But more than balance, I think, as a mom, an entrepreneur, and a creative person at that, I can feel drained a lot of times and it’s important to learn what recharges me and feeds my creative soul so that I can continue on without feeling depleted. I much prefer positive me. I don’t even want to be around grumpy me!.

So, what does it mean to be balanced?

I think it means that you don’t feel like you’re being pulled too hard in any one direction, that the various elements in your life feel in harmony with each other. You feel calm, grounded, clear headed, motivated and positive.

The best description I found says that the things in life which require balance fall into two categories: internal and external. Internal would be mind, heart and health while external factors include work, social, family and fun.

In work maybe, you’re pushing yourself so hard that you’re forgetting the bigger picture or to enjoy the ride. Is there balance between your social commitments and taking time for yourself? We all have family responsibilities but we also need boundaries- put on your oxygen mask first so that you can take care of the needs of others. In terms of fun, make time for the things you love but don’t over book yourself.

I love what an article in Psychology Today said about it:

“Finding balance is a lifetime project. It is ongoing. It is not a finite goal at the end of which you will have a peaceful, calm and a meaningful life. Balance is a way of living. It is a process.”

I think of happiness which I believe to be a choice for the most part. With balance we either strive to find it or we stay on the hamster wheel and groan about it.

If we think of balance as a practice then the Yoga analogy holds true. Yoga is described as a practice. We can’t all bend like pretzels overnight. Many poses, like tree pose, require balance. Somedays I get it and somedays I fall a lot. Falling is frustrating to be sure. But, as any yoga teacher would say, falling is good- it means you’re trying and you’re learning.

In yoga this morning my instructor shared a great quote from Winston Churchill,

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal it is the courage to continue that counts.”

So, whenever I feel like life is off-balance, like I’m failing somehow at something, I stop and reassess. I know that in life we are always in some kind of transition. Right now, we are in spring, headed into summer. Kids are getting out of school soon and our family schedule is about to change. My life has undergone an extreme transition over the last year or so. We flooded and moved five times. My husband made a career change. I had a baby then lost 40 lbs. We went from one kid to two. I’m a SAHM and now I’m an entrepreneur as well. I had no friends and now I have an active community of wonderful women surrounding me with love. I was a member of nothing and now I probably need to scale back on my commitments.

My point is, where we are in finding our balance changes constantly. Currently, I’m looking for balance in being the kind of mom I want to be while also following my dreams, albeit maybe not at the break neck pace my impatient inner critic would like. I also want to continue my social and group memberships while at the same time not feeling over-committed.

We’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of our move here to the Woodlands. We moved in June of last year. I was in a dark place last year post flood. We lived in Dallas for a year, to be near family while we figured things out. Wow what can happen in a year! Now I have this amazing community of mom friends. Sometimes I tear up when I think about all the hardships of last year and all the success and community in this one. It’s like that line in Sound of Music, “When the lord closes a door somewhere he opens a window.” We’ve since regained financial stability. Just this past month we finally leased our flood house, so we are no longer paying a double mortgage! There is so much good in my life. So much to be grateful for. I’ve grown the community of friends that always seemed to elude me before. In West Houston I could never seem to scratch the surface of the mom’s groups. In Dallas I was too exhausted, as a pregnant mom, and sad about our current flood affairs to put much effort in.

So, I stop feeling bad about feeling off. I realize that I am not perfect. I stop criticizing and remind myself that I don’t need to do it all right now. I’ve already come a long way. I take a look at what matters to me, how I want to spend my time and how I’m really spending my time and try to resolve the disconnect. If I’m being pulled too hard in one direction or neglecting another area entirely (hello self-care) then I try to rectify that.

Maybe finding balance means holding steady during a season of change. In yoga we use props to help build our foundation strong so that someday we won’t need their help in holding a pose. So maybe reaching out or reading books to help us build that foundational stability, and find greater inner balance, is all part of the practice.

It’s been a BIG season of change in my life this past year. Somedays I get it right. Somedays I fall off balance or even flat on the floor. But I always get back up and try again. You know, it’s a process. Namaste.

From my heart to yours,

~RHL

Tagged Balance, Hurried, Overscheduled