Last time we talked about finding balance and eliminating the unnecessary from an over-scheduled life. Since then I’ve become pretty ruthless about simplifying our over-cluttered schedule. Both as a family and as an individual.
Being a mom of two children three and under AND launching a small business, Process Art Kids, has necessitated some serious time management skill honing on my part. I’m not perfect though. I still never have enough time to write (as you can see by the long silence between blog posts here). It’s all a work in progress, this effort to balance all the moving parts of life.
One of the biggest things I think ALL of us moms feel is time-crunched- no matter if you’re stay-at-home, work-outside-the-home or hustling on the side part time. There never seems to be enough time for work, family, self-care, household demands and nurturing a marriage.
Ruthlessly culling our family calendar, as well as my personal one, was like applying a minimalist home makeover philosophy to commitments. There’s what I’d like to do (in an ideal world) and what is a priority for us right now. So, while I’d love to attend every playdate event with my moms group or participate in awesome stuff like Hike It Baby, Tinkergarten and other valuable communities, I had to get REAL about it.
This took a little soul searching and a big dose of honesty with myself. I realized that my kids get the most out of free ranging it in the forest and creek with Free Forest School. Owning up to this alone was liberating. Then I had to release the guilt I felt (from no longer being an active participant in these valuable communities) to the universe. I can’t do it all.
I had to choose what was essential to us. What aligns most deeply with our values about childhood. If I wanted more free, unstructured playtime, then I was responsible for prioritizing that into our calendar. So I prioritized open-ended play and nixed participation in anything that didn’t align with that priority.
In addition to reclaiming schedule freedom we’ve begun reclaiming our backyard. My fondest childhood memories are of baking, art making, and playing in the backyard- climbing trees, catching frogs and tinkering around. Now an adult with my own children, we have this amazing backyard that backs up to a greenway and forest and yet, somehow, it feels like my own children never have enough time to just play in it like I did. Enter the massive schedule culling and a prioritizing free, unstructured play.
My sister recently shared a wonderful way she’s begun to think about things. Instead of saying “I don’t have time to do that,” she’s begun to reframe this and instead say, “That’s just not a priority right now.” I LOVE that! “I don’t have time to wash my hair before dropping the kids at camp and heading to work,” becomes “That’s just not a priority right now, dry shampoo it is!” I don’t know about you but that simple reframe quite literally changes my perspective from negative to positive.
I’ve learned that my “happy place” requires downtime built into our schedule. It recharges my creative batteries and gives my kids time to lose themselves in the flow of something deeply engrossing in their play.
A fabulous book, Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne, got me thinking about priorities, simplifying and creating a smoother rhythm in the way our days and weeks play out.
What the book has to say on simplification, which is much like minimalism in its philosophy, really resonated with me. The author, Payne, advocates for simplifying your environment, rhythm and schedules, in addition to filtering out noise and over-information from the adult world, like news.
In terms of simplifying your schedule, he suggests taking more notice of what you have going on in a given week and then balancing active days with calmer ones or a quiet weekend, thus building downtime back into your week.
The purpose of being aware and recognizing what is arousing and calming to your child, is to avoid overstimulation that can string them out, or derail them in the same way that a big dose of sugar and caffeine derails them in the short term. – Payne
Do you ever have the feeling I do, that everything seems to happen at once? Well, now I try and be sure, as much as is within my power, that it DOESN’T. I try to spread our social commitments and doctor appointments out more, so it doesn’t feel like any one week is overbooked or that we have too many active, or “A” days, in a row. I’ve also started saying “no” more to invitations, no matter how enticing, which threaten to overbook us. Saying “yes” to everything means saying “no” to downtime.
It also helps to know your child. My son is a boy who is easily overwhelmed by large groups of people. It’s an introvert versus extrovert thing. Because what energizes one person can deplete another. So, you have to build in pockets of time to recharge a depleted battery, especially for an introvert. For more on introverts and extroverts I highly recommend the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, By Susan Cain.
How balanced can life be without free time? Not very. We understand this, but we also value productivity… activity without downtime is ultimately- like a plant without roots-unsustainable.– Payne
Liam often wants to stay in his PJS. He’d live in them if I let him. A toddler thing? Could be. PJS are comfortable. But staying in PJS also means you aren’t going anywhere. The book actually talks about this, one kid in particular stages a “pajama defense”. So maybe Liam’s not alone in this. Idea being, if I stay in my PJs, I don’t have to go anywhere and I can play at home!
It’s worth noting that, as adults, we know what our weeks is going to look like most of the time. But how many times do we convey this picture to our kids? Liam often asks me in the morning, “School day mama, school day?” He wants to know what to expect, that’s only natural, yet how often do I fail to remind him of what’s coming so that he can rest easy in the knowledge of what lies ahead?
As adults we have an idea of how our day might proceed. No matter how hectic it promises to be, we can picture how it might play out. Children need some level of that clarity. They may not control their day, but they need access to some “picture,” the understanding of how it might proceed.– Payne
So now we make sure to “preview” the next day and/or the week ahead. I’ve started reminding Liam about our plans for the week as things unfold. I do a reminder the night before and one the morning of. Such as “Today we’re playing at home and tomorrow we’re going to the creek. Then it’s Friday and Dad will be home early for dinner.” This seems to add a level of predicatibity that he can count on. He still loves to live in his PJs but on the days he needs to get dressed it’s less of a battle.
Simplicity Parenting had some great things to say about creating rhythm. It talks about family time and building predictability into a child’s day so that they know what to expect and depend upon.
Family life today often consists of whatever is left over, in terms of our time and energy when the “work” of the day is done. – Payne
Does this sound familiar? Man, it did to me!
My husband, Chris, has a demanding job and he’s also taking classes at a local college for career development purposes. If you’ve ever tried working fulltime AND taking classes then you know that free-time suddenly dwindles to non-existent. It’s been a real challenge for us to find balance. To develop ways for Chris to accomplish what needs to be done while also getting facetime with the kids and with me, his wife.
I recently experienced a day that felt like the epitome of what summer should be all about. I realized that this was THE BEST DAY EVER and by far my favorite day of summer yet. Part of the reason was that it had us all together. The other reason was that it was a day all about unstructured play. This day gave me food for thought as I’ll discuss later.
So, on this particularly awesome day we spent the morning outside. Liam stumbled upon the idea of filling a jug with water and repeatedly dumping it in the sandpit then quickly jumping in the muddy sand and squishing his feet around with gusto. The kids enjoyed some popsicles; colored juice dripping down their contented faces. This was what summer, and childhood should be made of, I thought.
Chris got home early and joined in the play. As I watched Chris and Liam squirt each other with water blasters in the splashpad, I realized with some dismay that I couldn’t recall the last time we had done this- spent quality time as a family.
That night we ate dinner together al fresco. The kids willingly took their baths, brushed their teeth. Then Liam had a wonderful time building an enormous Meg Block tower with Chris and, in true boy fashion, smashing it down.
I realized that too often weekends see Chris and I as passing ships- me off to spin class as he takes the kids to the park, or him off to the coffee shop to study, complete an exam or catch up on office overload. Each of us giving the other time for self-care or time to accomplish the “have to do” list. But where does that leave family time? Or us time? With very little time in which both parents are together it’s gotten to the point where, when Chris gets home, Liam suddenly gets clingy in anticipation of my leaving for spin or a girl’s night out.
So this fabulous day was a much-needed reminder of the importance of “quality time” as it relates to “family time”, a concept which is disappearing in our frenetic, constantly connected world.
Which brings me to another work-in progress the book discusses. Disconnecting more. We recently went to Dallas to visit family and for some reason I always disconnect more from my phone when I’m there. I loved it. It was so liberating. It’s hard for me to do now. So much of my business requires social media management and responding to people in a timely manner. Facebook even sends notices “maintain your great response rate by getting back to so and so.” So now I try to set boundaries for myself. Checking in a few times, a day and then walking way. So, and so can wait a few hours to hear back from me.
We are each a walking communication field, ever reachable and distractable and available. However, given how reachable and distractible we are, you might question how “available” we really are at any moment. Surely if you’re fully available to the person on the phone, you can’t be to those you’re with and vice versa. – Payne
So, I check in with myself now and then on screen time. By responding to a text am I not hearing my toddlers’ question or plea for attention? I’ve started leaving my phone in the other room as much as possible and I’ve turned off all necessary notification pings. Sorry friends if it takes me a few days to respond to your text or DM!
So this fabulous summer day we so enjoyed sent Chris and I thinking more deeply about how we could reclaim a space for quality time in our own family. How we could build a rhythm into our lives that the children could depend upon? A rhythm colored with little routines and rituals they could grow to love and come to expect?
One of my favorite’s from Simplicity Parenting was the idea of “Sabath moments.” Sunday was once a day of rest, whether you observe that religiously or not. So that seemed like a good place to start.
I remember reading an Italian cookbook where the author spoke about Sundays. Her tradition was to make pizza. They’d make the dough and while it was rising go to the park to play. Afterwards they’d roll out the dough and make pizza for dinner. I love this idea of a Sunday family meal which everyone is involved in making.
A recent memory sent to me was of my son, Liam, making pizza with me, mixing the dough and spreading the pasta sauce (eating half of it). He had an absolute blast. This memory still stands out in my mind so I was somewhat aghast to see that this took place one year ago when he was two.
I LOVE baking. Yet, in our busyness, we haven’t done it much lately. Baking is important to me because of my desire to eliminate processed foods from our diet as much as possible. But it has other benefits too. Involving the children in the making of food (as Waldorf Schools do for snack) is proven to increase the likelihood of kids eating it. It’s also a sensory activity, squishing the dough, and then there’s the empowerment factor. Helping prepare a meal provides a sense of responsibility and contribution. When children are given a task, like using Montessori knives to safely chop vegetables or setting the table, it empowers them and fosters self-reliance.
The idea of empowering kids reminds me of Liam’s favorite book, Little Excavator. Little excavator so badly wants to help clean up at the dump site and transform it into a park, but no job seems right for him. He’s too little to do most of it. So, he’s thrilled when he finally finds a job to do which is something all the other big rigs are too big to do. How often do our children feel this way? That they are two little to do this or that- how badly they want to help or cut veggies when they see us doing it.
Inspired to bring baking back into our rhythm, we made sourdough bread and Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin this week. Liam helped me roll out and cut the muffins. He was so excited, “What you making momma?” “Ohhh bread?!” How wonderful for him to know that bread doesn’t just come from a bakery or a bag delivered by Instacart grocery delivery.
For my part, I find that baking also adds some mindfulness calm to our lives as well. It can be soothing. As I knead the bread mental clutter melts away. I like to play music. Italian for pizza. Like “Volare” by Dean Martin.
Liam loves bread. He excitedly asked if we were making bear bread. I was surprised at his memory recall. Ages ago I mentioned making bear bread with him and he hadn’t forgotten. Bear bread, or bread shaped like a bear with raisin eyes, was something I loved making with my mom as a kid. We’d tie a red ribbon around their necks, wrap them in cellophane and deliver them for Christmas.
So, we’re reclaiming Sundays and initiating family Sunday suppers. It’s as good a place to start as any in terms of our goal toward building quality family time back into our lives. It’s a day to slow down, find togetherness and involve each member of the family in the making of a family meal enjoyed together- be it brunch or dinner. So that hopefully the kids come to expect Sunday suppers as a special time of togetherness.
It’s a work in progress these Sunday Suppers. This time Liam was more interested in our new Dustbuster than rolling out pizza dough. Scarlett is teething so she was a super grump. Despite all this, Chris and I enjoyed a glass of wine and our homemade pizza. Albeit with some serious background noise (read: whining).
Rituals, Traditions and Rhythm. They add structure and dependability to our lives. So I started thinking more about what rituals we want in our lives. Liam loves the Waldorf blessing song we sing at mealtime. He’s has come to expect it and will remind us if we forget.
Blessings on the blossom,
Blessings on the root,
Blessings on the leaf and stem,
Blessings on the fruit.
– Waldorf Meal Blessing
Simplicity Parenting suggested the idea of lighting a candle at mealtime and then allowing children to take turns snuffing it out at the end. I love this idea too, there’s something magical about candle light, especially to children. We’ll probably put it on our sideboard after lighting it so it’s out of reach.
Another way to build simple predicatibity is through a simple “please” and “thank you.” That’s something we’ve been working on with Liam for a while now. We want to raise polite children, not entitled ones who say with demand, “Milk!” My husband even started ignoring requests unless they are followed by a “please”. When milk is demanded we remind that that’s not a nice way to ask, and the request is corrected with a “please.” Liam quickly has learned that if he wants something a “please” works best.
One for the simplest and purest forms of stability and predictability in daily life is politeness…it can be counted on and builds trust. When you ask me for something, you say “please”; when I respond to your request, you say “thank you”, and I say “You’re welcome.” What could be more predictable? – Payne
Storytime is another way to build security and connection. For us this means not just reading books but also story telling.
When the day is done, the books have be read, and the lights are out I begin another ritual, one passed down from my own mother. Liam tells his own story. As child I delighted in these bedtime stories my mom and I created together. Now I’m working on her to make them into a children’s book. that others can enjoy.
It goes something like this- A bunny visits Liam and they go on a magical adventure together. I help guide him, if needed, but it’s his story, his creation. It’s amazing what he comes up with now that he’s gotten the hang of it.
It’s a special moment that we both look forward to. I realized that it’s more than storytelling, it’s me getting to see through Liam’s eyes as he processes the day or recent events and experiences through his storytelling. What stood out and delighted him? What’s on his mind?
A recent story he shared had him riding bikes with his Dallas cousins, Ariel and Sascha. On the forest trail they collected fireflies in jars, loading them into their bike baskets. At the creek they collected tadpoles and observed moss. They played with floaties in the pool, ate popsicles, and splashed in the rain.
I almost had tears in my eyes. Liam’s recounting of his adventures, through storytelling, was exactly the picture of childhood I wanted for him. Simple and beautiful punctuated with time spent outside and play experiences that I see as endangered in our frenetic world and disappearing childhood. Maybe I was getting it right as a mom after all. Maybe I had succeeded in safeguarding his childhood and creating space for these experiences in his life. Maybe all this work to protect our schedule was worth it. Maybe we could say no to the over-scheduled childhood rat race of too much, too fast, too soon.
Sometimes, as adults, we get so caught up in life- the hamster wheel of it all that we easily lose sight of the creative dreams we have for our children or even our ideas of what “family” looks like to us. What we want our children to know of our core values as a family. What we want them to experience of childhood. So, we develop a disconnect between our desires and what we are actually living.
Then it’s time for a realignment. Remembering that our young sponges are seeing what family and marriage look like through us- what we are modeling for them. It’s a reminder to show more of the affection we feel. To create family rituals that add rhythm to our lives. To grab our bug box and run outside to catch fireflies at dusk and, most of all, to create a space in our lives for these precious moments to unfold. To temper active days with calmer ones and to build “family” back into our weekend and our lives.
From my heart you yours,
~RHL
