My daughter, Scarlett, just turned one on Saturday.
It got me thinking- when did the first birthday become such a thing?
A quick look on Pinterest at “first birthday ideas, girl” and you’ll see something like this:
- A vintage high chair with a banner on the front that reads “one”
- Child in a tutu party dress with a party hat or crown with a “1” on it
- Balloons galore- pretty colors or gold confetti filled
- Possibly a flower wall backdrop or child’s name written out in flowers
- A cake smash backdrop and bakery-worthy cake with cake topper
- Mom in a gorgeous sun dress, hair perfectly coiffured, and in full makeup. She’s smiling as she sets the cake in front of the kid.
- Photos that look professional or are professionally taken to capture the whole thing
Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve seen friends posting a similar version to what I just described on FB or Instagram.
When Scarlett’s first birthday rolled around I started pinning ideas, ordered banners and balloons from Etsy, and bought special icing tips, from William Sonoma. I dreamed of making a girly, pale pink, rosette cake, just like I’d always envisioned doing. I bought her a cute white dress with a pale pink sash and invited grandparents and relatives via girly invites sent out over Paperless Post. I do love a good party.
Then my son, Liam, got sick. It turns out that Grandparents don’t like getting sick (who can blame them) so the whole thing had to be called off. Suddenly it felt silly to do such a production for just us and the kids. Yet I felt really guilty NOT doing the production. That got me wondering, why?
It’s not just first birthdays that have become a production it’s birthdays and life events in general. When I was a kid, a decorated cake from Steins, with icing frogs on top, felt special. We usually had a pool party and shaving cream fights. We’d sit on porch swings enjoying those mini Blue Bell ice cream cups, melted goodness dripping down our contented faces. We had a great time!
Similar to weddings, and other such life events, birthdays have gotten so HUGE now. Bounce houses, pony rides, mani/pedis for little girls and even party planners for a kid’s birthday party are not wholly uncommon. When it comes to birthday parties, it appears that everyone’s trying to keep up with the Joneses.
My sister lives in Dallas, my hometown. Like most busy moms, she’d like to cultivate some mom friends who share similar values to her as a parent and/or as a person.
She got an invite to a birthday party, in the Bishop Arts district, for a child in her son’s class. Bishop Arts is like where the cool, artsy, anti- Dallas-Dallasites live. She was excited and hoped she’d meet some interesting people.
Then she arrived. To her utter horror the moms all had on silk shirts and stilettos. The four-year-old’s party was catered with servers. Like- carrying around appetizers on silver trays- servers. Yep, a four-year-old’s party. There was also a bounce house and an open bar. It was WAAAYYY too much. She arrived in her J.Crew denim shirt and Superga sneakers.
She was horrified – what kind of an example or expectations does that set for my son!? She told me.
Now, I’m not saying never do a bounce house or pony rides. My parents didn’t do a pony ride but I did attend a party or two that had them. They did bounce house party but not until I was 15 years old. I have very fond memories of those parties. Worth noting, however, is that I don’t place my bounce house/pony ride memories in higher regard than I do the shaving cream pool parties. My mom was a total Martha Stewart, still is. I know she channeled her need for creative expression into planning our themed birthdays and such. But the scale always felt appropriate.
I’m just saying keep it real. Keep it in perspective. Ask yourself, who am I really doing all this for? And, to my sister’s valid point- if you start off with servers and a bounce houses at 4, where do you go from there?
Now, let me be clear here. If you are doing this now ubiquitous first birthday party I speak of, know that I am NOT judging you AT ALL. As a creative type, I love the way this looks and I love to oooo and aaww over ideas for this on Pinterest. Party planning and entertaining is a creative outlet for me, just like it was for my mom. What I am speaking to, however, and taking issue with here, is when did this all become so de rigueur?
My guilt, to me, was indicative of the fact that it now feels like you have to do this, as required by current fashion and what is simply done. However, I will add to this by saying that I’m also a perfectionist, creatively speaking. So letting go of the vision I had for what I wanted to create and letting that vision evolve into something less was hard for me.
My internal monologue (conscious or unconscious) ran something like this: This is what I see everywhere. If I don’t do it then I’m failing in some way. Failing my kid or failing as a mom. Failing to create a party that lives up to my creative vision. Failing to capture photos of a moment in time which I will never get back. NO PRESSURE!
Life events in general seem to have blow up in terms of how we celebrate them. My parent’s honeymoon consisted of a road trip across the U.S., mainly camping. Mom borrowed a wedding dress for the big day and they had a simple church ceremony and reception at a hotel with cake, no meal. Ask most people, of their generation, and that’s what you’ll hear. Or, sometimes, they didn’t even have a wedding. My generation- Millennials – seem to have or crave weddings that are quite the production and a trip-of-a-lifetime honeymoon to match. Mine was no different.
My wedding was big and it was gorgeous and I loved it, don’t mistake me. In stark contrast, my best friend’s wedding was a simple ceremony, of no more than 15 people, standing in her childhood living room, as they took vows in front of the mantle. Her reception was for those same 15 people at a local restaurant she loved.
It was, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had. On a later date she had a big reception at a local country club for all the people who didn’t get to attend the wedding. It was very nice. But the day I shared with her? Getting ready in her childhood bathroom and toasting her in a room full of only her nearest and dearest? That was infinitely more special to me and will forever hold a special place in my heart. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we can go big but it doesn’t have to be grandiose to be truly special.
So, when did it all get out of hand and become such a production? These life events of ours?
I think of birth month photos as well. I love seeing other people’s birth month photos. Using special blankets with the kid’s name and months, ordered from Etsy or maybe blocks or onesies with the month on them. I saw this and started doing it myself. But as the months went on I just started taking a photo without the props. It felt more authentically me and, after a while, Scarlett hated lying on her back anyway. Liam would photo bomb each shot or the kids would cry and I could never capture that insta-worthy moment. So I stoped trying. But I felt guilty not doing that staged photo with the props.
When something is in fashion do we feel pressured to buy into it? When we are tweens and teens or maybe even in college, we snatch up every new “it” fashion, at least I did. Listening to what the magazines say is “in” or “out”. Yet over time, as I came into my own, I followed what fashions I liked, sticking with colors and styles that work for me, my figure, and unique coloring, regardless of what fashion decreed.
The best advice I received from a friend, before our first child was born, was this:
You’re going to receive a lot of advice. Listen to it.
Then ignore it all and do what works for you.
Can we apply this when thinking about mom guilt, life in comparison, and what now feels de rigueur? It’s ok to do what everyone else is doing on Pinterest and Social Media. But when you feel like to have to- that it becomes an obligation- that’s when we need to take pause and ask why? Why am I doing this? Does it bring me creative joy to entertain and throw together a planner-worthy party? For me it does, sometimes.
Perhaps more importantly, does it bring my child joy? I did the standard first birthday for our son Liam, now nearly three. He loved the balloons in his crib. But when we put the cake in front of him (no candle) he cried. Kids pick up on our vibes. Was he feeling our expectations for a smashing photo shoot?
The weekend of Scarlett’s first birthday approached and the grandparents had to bail. Then I heard about an amazing ice cream truck that was rolling into our local Biergarten, for one day only. So, I decided that would be more fun.
But the guilt lingered. I asked a friend, “Am I a bad mom if I don’t do the whole cake smash thing?” She said, “Ha! No, you’re just a mom with more experience I like to think of it.” So, I released the guilt into the universe and on Scarlett’s birthday we got some pretty amazing milkshakes instead.
Yet, while I dance to my own tune in many respects, my love of tradition, especially family ones, also runs deep. My heart was still craving some kind of a cake experience and traditional birthday celebration for Scarlett.
I ultimately decided that we put too much pressure on ourselves to make that one day perfect, and accomplish everything. Why not make it a birthday weekend and spread out the fun? So, on her actual birthday, we visited the milkshake truck. Sunday we did decorations, cake and presents.
For decorations I did a birth month photo banner. It’s fun to look back. I put Scarlett in the dress and crown I’d already ordered. I did end up doing a few balloons, Liam loves them! Her godmother sent gorgeous flowers and she received a few cute outfits from the grandparents as gifts.
Then we did our own version of the cake smash with cupcakes from local bakery, Crave. I wore jeans and the whole thing was not picture perfect. Especially towards the end, when party girl was ready for bed. This compromise gave me the birthday experience I wanted for her but in a way that felt more authentic to our family.
I found peace with this compromise and the courage to stop, question and listen when guilt arises and something feels not quite right. Some may view our version of celebrating as too much. It’s all relative. I think my point is- by all means, take a look at what everyone else is doing on social media etc.- then ignore everything you see and do what feels right for YOU.
Can we unshackle ourselves from what feels de rigueur and ask, instead, what feels authentic to me and to my family? Let’s choose that instead.
From my heart to yours,
~RHL
